How do you get over the death of a loved? Are you ever able to take a deep breath again without feeling pain? I have tried several times to write something down on what used to be one of my " guilty pleasures" only to close the lid and hid away somewhere, I've spent days on end sporting my "new look" as my husband calls it of greasy hair, no make-up and pajamas...I've taken afternoon naps and woke in darkness.....People say, "You've got to try to get through this" but no one tells you how.....I've bought beautiful flowers for my yard only to watch them wilt away and die...I thought I would be more prepared than I was...Surely, I would be grateful for the end of her suffering...But the void that is left behind is enormous....I have been surrounded by death my entire adult life, first working at a Nursing Home, then behind a Surgical mask, and I've watched as it pierced through the Emergency Room door....But watching my own Mother pass away has been the hardest thing for me to get through.....Maybe it was the long days and even longer nights spent in the hospital before her death that I think about...Maybe it was promises she made me keep....Decisions that had to be made....All I know is I long for the sound of her voice...or the smell of her hair....It is so hard knowing you'll never hear your Mama's voice again........
I remember looking around the funeral home after my Mothers visitation at all the beautiful flowers, pictures and quilts, every room was full of things that people had sent for my Mother. My family are mountain people remember, and things are done a little differently! People not only send flowers for a funeral they will also send Mountain and Primitive Crafts in lieu of flowers (My husband and I had never seen this before, it was amazing).But I was walking around looking at all the beautiful things and I noticed each one had been reserved for certain family members....There was one thing reserved for me......I remember someone saying to me the day she passed away, "Angie, I know you probably wish everyone would go home because it's loud in here, but I promise you after your Moms funeral, it's gonna get real quite".......And it did!!!! All I could think about was my one arrangement....Only One!!!....What does that say about me???? That has really tormented me!!!! FYI...Your Farmville Friends on Facebook will not be there for you when you need them!!! So, I came up with a back up plan...Besides rethinking my life.....I told my sister in law if I go before she does that I was starting a
"Church Bus/Cracker Barrel Fund", I would start putting enough money in a jar for her to bring some mourners to my funeral...I, in turn will provide gas and meals! But I want the good mourners!!!! The serious falling out kind!!!(After all I'm paying for Cracker Barrel not Waffel House)
Today's anxiety level is a 9 (I've been taking care of my Daddy and I'm pretty sure I could file legal separation papers from him and it be granted...Trust me..The judge WOULD understand)...
But today I will be thankful for the courage to write what I have written.....And Try To Breathe...........
